I recently asked several of my friends, married and single, “Tell me about your best and worst stories about dating. Would you say dating is hard these days?”
One of my favorite movie scenes is from the final “Lord of the Rings — The Return of the King”. Aragorn arrives late to a battle the fellowship is losing. Hopping off a boat, he draws his sword and confronts a crowd of enemies who laugh at the sight of one man. That is, until Aragorn’s ghost army piles out of the boat and overruns every combatant on the field leaving a wake of destruction. Awesome!
So when I asked my question about dating, the scene from Lord of the Rings came flooding back. One friend hopped out of the proverbial boat and told me her story. By the next day, story after story overran my email. Most of them provide a picture of the littered bodies on the field of dating.
“Online dating is THE WORST.” A friend once huffed while rolling her eyes. Each time I ask friends, ranging from their early twenties (millennial, ‘Nuff said) to their forties (Gen X) — how is the dating pool? Most of the time the response starts with, “Let me tell you a story…” or “I know what it is like to have a stalker…after the first date!” For all the talk of ease that a dating app “claims” for a potential date, the impression I am left with is, everyone is swimming in a pool they all took a massive s**t in. Instead of getting out of that pool, everyone decided they need to keep swimming in it. Or even worse, more people “jump in”. Why, because that is the pool everyone is swimming in.
The conclusion I came to was; everyone is trying to date, but they are all miserable. Note, some of them will always be miserable. They just look for an excuse to be. Although in the end, it is all self-inflicted
One really good friend told me that multiple guys were asking for nudes (which people think is now the norm). Oh, let’s not forget the unsolicited “dick pics”. That is the standard, “Hi, nice to meet you, here is a selfie…” intro email. Another on-line society created a norm.
Men seem to enjoy the no strings attached hook-up culture of today’s dating world, yet lament the online landscape just as much as women. Men looking for long-term relationships shared stories of women they tried to pursue only to be ghosted. Another male friend shared about the lack of emotional and mental maturity he has seen in the digital dating world. I totally agreed with him. But, truth be told, that is not just in the dating world.
Much has been written regarding the demise of dating and the up-tick in hook up culture. The source blamed is often the internet and dating apps. I am not saying Tinder, Bumble or Grinder have ruined everything. But they ruined everything.
The whole debacle has me wondering if the source of the tainted dating pool is actually because we dropped radioactive dating apps in the water. Or is it something far more insidious we helped grow and mature…like leaving food in your refrigerator to see if you can create life…Doctor Frankenstein?
“Welcome to the Dawn of a New World”
In every post-apocalyptic thriller, the director introduces the audience to a bleak landscape in which people scavenge to survive. There are allusions made to how the apocalypse occurred — nuclear holocaust, war, famine, disease — but you never get the full backstory in most movies or TV Show (i.e. The Walking Dead. Do not get me started…).
It seems we, as a society, are no longer hopeful about the future or dating prospects. Similar to a Walking Dead episode, everyone is scavenging for leftovers and fighting for arable land (i.e. emotionally mature men and women). One question most people seem to totally ignore is the same as what the audience do not get: the back story. We are focused on what the causes are and how it continues to affect our lives. Apps and the hook-up culture is symptomatic of a deeper issue. We are trying to treat an infection with a Band-Aid (trademark), and it just is NOT working.
So what is the real cause? The simple answer here…We are!
Efficiency. Speed. Convenience.
The other day I placed an Amazon Prime order like the vast majority of Americans do each day. I needed to replace air filters in my home (CF or no CF everyone should do this). I launched my Amazon app, found some cheap filters (as cheap as a “10” rating filter can be), and was guaranteed delivery in two days (Prime membership). My filters, however, arrived five days later, much to my surprise.
I have had this happen before with Amazon. I will order something and then it is either delayed or, “Oops, sorry to inform you we don’t know why it’s late.” Even though it arrives a few days later I am still pissed off (as are most of us). Amazon promised two-day delivery! (Think of the girl from Willa Wonka, “Daddy, but I want a golden goose now!).
What is ironic is that for days I drove past a Home Depot each time saying to myself, I should get my filters. But then I answer myself with, “I will just order them online.” Why waste 15 minutes looking in a store when I can have air filters delivered to my front door?
More than ever we are choosing convenience as a deciding factor in everything. Don’t want to shop for groceries? No prob, have a stranger shop for you with Instacart. Do not want to cook? Eat out. Do not want to drive to get your food? Grub-hub. Do not want standard delivery but have a craving for farm-to-table food? There is an app for that too! Want to check out and not deal with your emotions and/or break up? Netflix binge…add some wine and/or beer… things will get so much better…right?
Want to date? Swipe right, swipe left. Do not talk to someone face-to-face even though the vast majority of communication is non-verbal. Have an endless sea of fish and never settle.
Until of course, you get tired of the game and want a long-term relationship with someone you can share hopes, dreams, and aspirations with. Someone who knows your fears and the depths of your soul. But nooooo, it’s cool, just keep swiping, growing ever the more self-centered about your needs and never learning what it is like to sacrifice for someone else (people who know me will totally understand that statement). When you are old and grey (thank you, Yates) and beauty is a memory of the past, you will die a thousand deaths wishing you knew the beauty of love and commitment as opposed to the shallowness of convenience and your own selfishness. Don’t worry though, you will have plenty of time to share those crazy dating stories with…kids? Dead or senile friends?
That might be a bleak over-exaggeration, but the premise of how you end up in a post-apocalyptic landscape begins with a simple concession for convenience.
ANY Relationship Is Not a Microwave
Given we are a culture now built on speed and efficiency, we expect everything else to follow suit. However, there is one aspect of life that will always buck the system: a relationship.
There is no shortcut to friendship, dating, or marriage. It does not exist. If it did, don’t you think we would have figured it out within the thousands of years humankind has been dating, mating, and developing friendships? Every single married couple will tell you about the time, effort, and energy it takes to maintain a relationship. Any person with deep and authentic friendships can tell you of the rocky points in their friendship that refined it. I have never heard of someone who has a best friend within a few months. It takes years to cultivate that depth and quality of the relationship.
Here is what’s interesting. Going back to the question; “Share your best and worst stories about dating”. The best stories all included examples of growing in depth and patience with another person. People shared stories of how they became friends first. Many went on several dates that bombed. One person explained that even after a few less than stellar dates she realized she had to put in time, effort, and patience as opposed to writing the person off. She is now married to the guy who bombed their first date.
But it is not just dating that is affected by our obsession with speed and efficiency. Our mental health is taking a dive too. Depression and anxiety are on the rise, and when I speak to men and women suffering, people are looking for quick solutions; a pill, a book, a person, anything that will ease the burden. Watching the hope go out of their eyes when they discover a silver bullet does not exist is devastating because I know many could bounce back if they put in the time towards a solution. Hell, some people’s depression stems from the fact the dating pool is a swampland and they appear cursed to the land of “Forever Alone.” But, it is their choice if they were in a relationship and ended it because it was “too hard” or they believe it is “easier to start over” then work on what they have. (Again, those who know me, will understand my POV).
Without the strength and perseverance to be patient and work towards changing the dating landscape, it is easy to try patience for a bit, only to jump right back into the same cesspool everyone else is swimming in. Then the disillusionment begins and they swear off dating until they find themselves back in the same tainted swamp…once they become lonely…again. It is a vicious cycle.
I guess that is the crux of this post. There is no silver bullet to fix the “Dating Apocalypse” except patience and people dedicated to treating someone like a priority as opposed to an option. We cannot expect to receive all the perks of dating without commitment and vulnerability. The damage will continue. We will only continue to breed shallowness and superficiality into our dating lives while, deep down, we want to be fully known and loved by someone.
So I do not know what the answer is, but I understand how we got here. Left unchecked, the need for convenience and ease will not just affect dating, but all aspects of life that take time and energy.
Just maybe if we understand what went wrong, we can take steps to correct it.
Who am I kidding, writing SciFi would be easier!