Kaye abandoned her $40,000 Lexus. The day she deserted the car, she simply pulled over and called an Uber. Not two weeks later, she was entertaining the idea of getting a new car that didn’t have so many issues.
The day she bought her Lexus was one of the best days of her life. Pulling out of the dealership, she revved the engine while cranking her favorites tunes, windows down. Prior to her purchase, she’d spent a lot of time researching what car to buy. Kaye wanted something dependable, but with a slight edge of luxury, and Lexus seemed the perfect fit.
When pressed on why she ditched the Lexus, Kaye lamented the car “wasn’t what she expected.” She explained that about every week the car ran out of gas. Her Lexus also developed small dings she hadn’t put there either. Those imperfections — over time — wore on her. A major issue, Kaye emphasized, was that some problems stemmed from the internal wiring. However, due to her busy work schedule, she never had time to make it to the dealership for repairs or tune-ups. “Who has time for that, anyway? It’s a semi-new car for god sakes!” Kaye exclaimed. The last straw was when the car stalled, and she was forced to pull over. Frustrated, she called an Uber and abandoned the once adorned vehicle.
Kaye — while hypothetical — is a fool. Each of us would scoff at her absurd notion of a car not requiring maintenance. Yet, the way she treated her car is how many of us treat marriages, friendships, or romantic relationships.
Commitment Issues 101
As a child I remember getting birthday invitations in the mail or while at school. In several invitations, there was a simple request — Please RSVP by (certain date). The host always needed a headcount to ensure the proper amount of food, beverages, and cake were ample enough to satisfy growing teenagers. I still get these invitations today, albeit in a more digital form. There’s Evite, Facebook invitations, and I even still retain the traditional practice of a wedding invitation via snail mail. Where we once responded quickly and let the host know if we could attend, these days brides scramble to get a final headcount.
We love to pretend we’re busy or “forgot” but deep down we all perceive the real reason. We don’t want to commit to the event in case something better comes along. There’s genuine anxiety for several young people thinking up hypothetical situations they could miss out on if they commit themselves to an event. Because there’s fear and ample distrust of commitment, we extend this thinking into our relationships. If it’s easy and fun, we’ll be there! If it sounds like work, no thanks, I’m out. No wonder so many are dissatisfied in their friendships and romantic relationships. We refuse to commit to anything and are thus a bunch of flakes when times get tough.
People then become commodities — like cars — except we treat them worse. You shouldn’t have to work at your marriage or do tune-ups. It should just work from the beginning! That friend of yours got passive aggressive and their wiring seems off? Better bail. What do you mean I’m a bad friend/boyfriend? I’m the one who’s lonely. You should pour into my needs! Gas me up!
So, commit to anyone who will take work and maintenance? No, thank you. Where’s that Staples Easy Button?
The side effect of our failure to commit to anything is in plain view. We
For others of us, it’s that we saw parents who were “committed” but seemed to hate each other. There was abuse or violence. Commitment then seems like a way to stay trapped in an unending prison sentence with disastrous results.
But what if commitment is an antidote to what ails you?
Skin Deep
“How are you doing?”
I ask after biting into my sandwich then look up. My friend finishes his bite, swallows, then begins. His wife is battling breast cancer, recently lost her hair from the chemo, and they have two small children.
In much of masculine culture, there is a resistance to emotions and vulnerability. Our relationships become skin deep with our friends and carry over into romantic relationships. Many men are accused by their partner of being “emotionally distant.” I know part of why men do this is a fear of rejection. We want someone to commit to us, but we are afraid if we reveal all of who we are, we’ll be seen as weak or rejected outright. We then become self-fulfilling prophecies who don’t know how to commit to anything — friends, girlfriends, jobs, or family. For several men, their relationships remain skin deep and with the culture‘s deep cynicism about commitment, we follow the trends. Serial dating. Ghosting. Surface level friends we play fantasy football with but never talk to.
Over lunch with my friend, I realized that — though we live states apart — we have fought to put time into our relationship. We remain committed friends through thick and thin. He was there for me after I received my diagnosis, and now I get to be there for him through his wife’s cancer. We keep putting gas in the tank, checking in for tune-ups, and making sure our “wiring” is not getting out of whack. After all, isn’t that what most of us want? A working relationship?
I have long wondered what we are to do now that we are forced to live in a world with commitment issues. It would appear the status quo is to abandon relationships that “don’t work.” But what if we became the ones who finally started gassing up the proverbial car in our relationships?
Perhaps then, we would not have so many stranded “cars” on the side of the road.