How do you define pain?
Our body feels pain to warn us of danger. But it also reminds us that we are alive. That we can still feel, that is why some of us seek it out. While others choose to numb it.
Solitude has always been my analgesic of choice.
But what if feeling nothing is the worst pain of all.
What if the sharing of pain connects us to others? And reminds us that none of us is alone. As long as we CAN feel.
We are alone!
Why would I say something like that? We have a family, we have partners, and we have friends. We have ex’s, etc. So, why would ANYONE be alone with any and/or of the above?
Today I had my first, and it will not be last, attack totally alone. No one was around to help me breathe. I had to find my rescue inhaler while trying to remain calm and not panic. What would you do if you are breathing okay, then all of sudden, you try to take a breath and NOTHING happens? What would you do? Panic? Not do anything and just say, “GOD is speaking, do I want to listen…this time?”
Then images of my daughter flashed thru my mind. What would her life be like without her father at such a young age? The only influence in her life would be her mother and her circle of “friends & family”. Something or someone “PUSHED” me. I had to breathe, just enough to take my medication inside my rescue inhaler. My chest was heavy, which is strange because it was empty. I found my inhaler, and tried and tried to breathe in. Finally, my lungs breathed in my inhaler. I was breathing again like nothing happened. Except, my chest ached afterword.
This incident illustrated to me how alone we all are, or at least me. There was no one here before, during or after the attack. The entire day passed without anyone calling me. I decided to stay home the entire day, just in case, the CF decided to rear its ugly face again. Besides the normal regular difficulty of breathing daily, everything was okay…today.
Those of us who are fortunate enough to have loved ones around us ALL THE TIME are very lucky. However, there are many of us whom must deal with being alone every day, such as I. This made me aware that I should make some regular contact schedule with a loved one, or at least my main caregiver. If not, the possibility of having THE ATTACK brings about the realization of the prospect of dying alone.
As the old saying goes, “What does not kill you makes you stronger.” This might be true for some, but what happened to me, does not make me stronger, it just illustrates to me how alone I really am. I could be as strong as Superman, but when an attack comes, it is not strength that will save me; it will be faith that everything will be okay that will save me. Once faith is gone, well, draw your own conclusions.
Hello All.
I know this post is a little late. So much is happening in my life. Change! Change is good, but it is also disruptive. More on that in another post.
Today I want to focus on the fathers who have influenced me over the years. Fathers who are fathers by marriage, fathers who are fathers by birth and fathers who are fathers because they were needed. Needed not in the sense of needy, needed in the sense of timing. Timing in a young man’s life when he did not know what he was going to do with all the tomorrows in front of him.
The first father I would like to acknowledge is Bob M. Bob M. is/was (depends on when the divorce is finalized) my father-in-law. Bob M. is one of the wisest men I know in my life. His caring eyes and warm heart made me feel welcome in his family. His sense of commitment to his family and loved ones is beyond approach. It is a shame that his daughter did not inherit his wisdom, honor, commitment and most of all his sense of family. That does not reflect on him. I realize there are some people in this world that no matter how much you give and/or try it will NEVER be enough. In the short time that we were family, I was honored in knowing him, and that the feelings of love and respect were reciprocated. If not, c’est la vie.
The second father I want to say, “Happy Father’s Day” is to my biological father. As a kid, I always looked up to my dad. He might not have been around all the time. He had personal demons. But then again, don’t we all. He is the type of person who kept things inside. Talking about what was troubling him and how he “felt” was not in his DNA. Looking back at our childhood (my brother and mine) I believe we turned out okay, considering the heartbreak and loss we suffered at young ages. We had one father and he did his best with what he had in his personal inventory. If he is watching over us, or playing the “back-nine” with God, I hope he looks in on us from time-to-time. I love you Dad. We might have had our disagreements, but at the end, you knew you were loved by so many. I might not have said this enough, I am proud of you.
The last father I want to remember is John H. He was what I strived to be. He was a man of integrity, intelligence, independence, fortitude, dedication and most of all love for his family and anyone else that John thought needed a “push” or “kick in the ass” to get them on track. I must admit he “pushed & kicked” me a lot. Not out of anger, but out of love. Sometimes the lessons were hard ones; sometimes they were common sense lessons. In any case, his presence, still to this day, has left a HUGE hole in my life. I miss our talks about life, love, and family. Family meant more to John than ANYTHING. I don’t know if he would be disappointed in my impending divorce. He might offer some wisdom about “people say vows, they know the words, but not the meaning”. A lot of people at their core are selfish and can only see the next shiny new toy. They would rather throw-out something that needs fixing then take the time and effort to try to repair it. Remember with people like that, life always has a way of balancing itself out. In the end, it is them that need fixing.” Here endeth the lesson.
As a father myself (I am so proud of my Syd.) She is my world. She is my life. She is my being. She is my everything. I can only offer this bit of wisdom. “Maybe for you, there is a tomorrow. Maybe for some of you, there will be 1000, 3000, or 10,000 tomorrows. But for some of us, there is only today. Always remember what you do today matters and maybe it will matter to infinity and beyond.”
I see the things I want to remember and be remembered for. That’s when I realize that certain moments go on forever and when they are over, they still go on, they are the meaning. The fathers in my life will go on forever, as long as their meaning is there. I do not see that diminishing anytime soon. Their light will always burn because their light should be a beacon to all of us.
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